Bad things happen. This is a painful fact of life. And our brains are biased towards paying attention to negative experiences. They just want to keep us safe! So, this bias is an automatic survival strategy of sorts. Negative experience = “flight/fight/freeze” brain response (and an increase of adrenaline and cortisol) which paves the way for negative cognitions to take the prefrontal cortex stage.
But it’s not all doom and gloom… the good news is that while we don’t have much say in our brain’s automatic response to perceived threat, we DO have a choice in how we think about it after the fact.
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We can choose what we pay attention to! and quite simply, what we choose to pay attention to has a profound impact on our mental health.
I was reminded of this choice after leaving my niece’s “superhero” dress up birthday party last night. I was travelling 100km per hour on a quiet country road with my 13-year-old daughter and her friend in the back seat of my car who were happily chatting about the party we’d just attended, when out of nowhere a large kangaroo jumped in front of my car. I didn’t have time to slow down or swerve and I knew instantly that it must have died. My body went into shock as I quickly braked and pulled over to the side of the road (I was nowhere near as cool as I hoped I’d be in such a situation). As I sobbed, my daughter climbed into the front seat and hugged and consoled me “it’s ok mum, it’s ok, it’s ok… there was nothing you could have done”. After a few minutes, and composure somewhat regained, I drove back to the roo to see whether it was a female that perhaps had a joey that could be saved. I was relieved to discover it was a male and had died instantly.
As I turned my car back around and continued on our journey home, my daughter told me her head was hurting. She then told me that she had been changing out of her costume at the time of the accident and had taken her seatbelt off to make this easier (we had a 3-hour trip home ahead of us and she wanted to be comfortable). When I had braked, she fell forward into the seat in front and banged her head. Several potential scenes flashed through my mind as I scolded her “NEVER EVER take your seat belt off under any circumstances!” “I’m glad you’re safe but that could have gone so horribly wrong!”
The following is a script of my internal dialogue following this news
*precursor… I am an animal lover of all kinds, and while I know you should never swerve to avoid hitting an animal while travelling at high speed, I’m not confident that this is what I would have done. In fact, I think I would have most certainly automatically swerved or braked if I had seen the kangaroo ahead.
“I didn’t have my high beams on” (I don’t know why as I usually do)
“if I had my high beams on, I would have seen the kangaroo”
“if I’d seen the kangaroo, I would have swerved or braked suddenly”
“if I’d swerved or braked suddenly my daughter could have gone through the front windscreen”
I visualised the scene briefly then winced at the thought.
I continued driving (at 40kmp) and scanned the road side for more animals (several rabbits and one possum spotted and avoided successfully… I was doing well). However, I soon became aware that my breathing had changed. It had become shallow. I became aware of a nauseous feeling in my belly. I needed to pull over and take a moment to compose myself again. I phoned my husband and told him what happened. I used diaphragmatic breathing to slow my breathing down. Stopping, slowing my breathing, and sharing my story with a loved one had given me the cognitive space to reflect on my thoughts. I became aware of how I’d been paying attention to what had happened and what could have happened but what had gone right? What could I be grateful for? Giving this some thought I decided…
I’m grateful that I didn’t have my high beam lights on
I’m grateful that the kangaroo died instantly and didn’t suffer
I’m grateful it wasn’t a female carrying a joey
I’m grateful that my daughter was not seriously injured
I’m grateful for the opportunity to have a discussion about the importance of wearing seatbelts
I’m grateful for the kind words my husband spoke
I’m grateful for the precious moment of compassion my daughter showed me when I was suffering
While I was perhaps more vigilant than unusual on the remaining journey home, I felt peaceful, my breathing was regulated, the nauseous feeling in my belly gone, and I was able to enjoy listening to music and engage in conversation as I had prior to hitting the kangaroo.
Deliberately paying attention to what is going right and cultivating a spirit of gratitude is like shining a torch in the darkness… and the science is in… its good for us!… feelings of gratitude produce feel good chemicals in the brain (dopamine and serotonin).
So next time you’re faced with something difficult, challenge yourself to consider what might be going right?… and what you might even be grateful for.
Deanne Blackman
Psychologist
BBehSc BPsy (Hons) MPP (AHPRA)